You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
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“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
This will never not be funny 😭
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]