INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol