There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
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There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
October already? What’s next? November????
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
oh you wanna fight?!
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.