I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
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teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
*offers Batman cough drops*
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation