Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
You Might Also Like
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?