I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
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The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.