The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
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THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you