[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
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date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
We avoided this particular disaster
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.