Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before