Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
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Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I think I’ll stand
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME