Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
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I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
me, too, girl. me, too.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*