When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
You Might Also Like
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.