What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
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me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this