Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
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[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
584.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school