[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
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Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
how to market bottled water to dads
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin