I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
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Trying
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.