It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
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Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
damn he’s good
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low