Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
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Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
when someone rings the doorbell
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion