Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
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I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance