I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
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Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.