ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
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Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.