Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
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Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand