so this horse walks into a bar
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I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.