In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
You Might Also Like
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?