“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
You Might Also Like
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.