Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
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My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*