Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
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BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?