<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
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Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.