Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
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[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
“I’m helping” 😅
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”