Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
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The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”