*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
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CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.