A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
You Might Also Like
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.