King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
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Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!