Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
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kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
#gardening
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
how much for the angry fruit?
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over