[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
You Might Also Like
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.