May never get over this
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Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together