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*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Sharon, call the vet
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
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[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
where’s Godzilla when we need him
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Time heals everything 🙂
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style