Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
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Lucky old June.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
what could possibly go wrong?
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls