Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
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[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
constantly working on myself.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.