My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
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A dad and his duck
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.