Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
You Might Also Like
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
pat pat
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.