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There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
You had me at “define legal”.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.