Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
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“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN鈥橳 YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Nelly Furtado: I鈥檓 like a bird, I鈥檒l only fly away
A bird: you鈥檝e got me there
Nelly: I don鈥檛 know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He鈥檚 in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it鈥檚 for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 馃槒
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I鈥檒l just be small and happy.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
My 6 year old doesn鈥檛 like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn鈥檛 stand in my way when I ride it
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.