Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
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[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
so much to do
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.