I have the bruises of a much more active person.
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Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
The best plant holders?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
forgive me baja for i have blast
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog