You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
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My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation