If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
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AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.