Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
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6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Check your privilege
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?