Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
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a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.