I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
You Might Also Like
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
My teenage children choosing violence
Try and stop me.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight